The Haircut
by anakinlove
Summary: Batman is so tired of Dick's hair.


**If you ever read the graphic novel Batman: Contagion (which I highly recommend as it was quite good) take a look at Nightwing's pony tail. It's so long, it's ridiculous. It kind of made me angry so in honor of that, this little one was born. **

Nightwing crouched on the top of the building next to a few gargoyles. With his hunched over stature, he almost looked like one. He was gazing through some bat binoculars at a large ship coming in. It glided silently over the smooth water, cutting through it on that moonless night.

Without the night vision setting on the binoculars, Nightwing wouldn't have even been able to detect the ripples running off the prow of the ship. The water was moving through, ever so slightly in a soft night breeze, which chilled Nightwing to the bone. For once, he envied Batman and Robin their capes. Having something to wrap around his shoulders on a night like this would have been a welcome comfort.

Suddenly, he heard a disgusted spitting sound to his side. He glanced over to see the boy wonder glaring at him. "The wind blew that stupid mullet into my mouth again Wing", he snapped, "it's nasty." Nightwing rolled his eyes.

"If you weren't such a freking mouth breather, you wouldn't have this problem. Now, stop getting your nasty bird boy spit on my hair."

"It's your fault", Robin hissed, "that damn thing is too long."

"He's right Wing", Batman said, crouching on his former apprentice's other side, "that thing is getting ridiculous. You seriously need to get it cut."

"Are we here to talk about my hair", Wing snapped, "or those guys over there with their shipment of drugs."

"I think that nasty rat on your head is a more pressing matter", Robin said. Wing glared at him.

"You're just jealous that I have better hair then you." Robin rolled his eyes.

"Definitely", he said, "I totally envy you that creature growing on you head."

"When are you going to cut that monstrosity", Batman asked.

"When you start smiling on a regular basis", Nightwing hissed, "now leave me alone."

"One of these days", said Robin, "I'm just gona get a scissors and do it myself."

"Not if you want to live to see your twenty first birthday you won't", Nightwing snapped.

"He's right Robin", Batman said, "you could kill yourself trying to get that thing off with a pair of scissors. A weed whacker would be more appropriate." Robin giggled and Nightwing gave a snarl before leaping down to take on the drug traffickers.

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Tim was sitting on the couch playing a video game on his PSP. It was a new one Bruce had just bought him for no particular reason. He was just about to beat the last level of his game when he heard someone come in the door. Without looking up, he said, "Hi Bruce."

"Hi", said Bruce, coming in with a few bags in his hands. "Hey", he said, "I bought you something."

"Why?" Tim asked.

"I don't know", Bruce said, "I felt like it." He dropped a package by Tim on the couch. Tim paused his game to open it.

"Sweet", he said, it's that book I wanted. Thanks Bruce."

"No problem", Bruce said, "I was board so I went out and spent some money. I figured I pick that up for you." Tim grinned at him.

"I will never get used to you doing that", he said. Bruce shrugged.

"I've got money, I like to spend it, and I usually like to spend it on you."

"Hey", Dick said, coming out of the kitchen with a churro in his mouth, "what about me, did you buy me something too?" Bruce put his hands on his hips.

"Do you come over here just to eat my food?" Dick nodded.

"Policeman's salary remember, all I have around my house is spagettios and Chief boy r d (sorry, don't know how to spell that so just bear with me on this one). Anyway, did you get me something?"

"Actually", Bruce said, "I did get you something."

"Ohh", said Dick, "what is it? I hope it's not a lame book like you got Tim" Tim gave him a scowl. "Sorry", Dick said with a shrug, "I just don't do books." Bruce pulled an envelope out of his pocket.

"It's a certificate to go to super cuts and get a hair cut." Dick gave a yelp.

"How dare you", he said, "as if I would let a mere mortal with scissors cut my beautiful mane." Bruce rolled his eyes.

"Fine", he said, "I bet Alfred would do it for you."

"Yes sir", Alfred said, coming in, "I've been waiting to have a hand at taming that creature for weeks."

"Never", Dick said, collecting his long mullet in his hands, "I will never let you touch my baby. Her name is Phyllis and I love her."

"You named your mullet?" Bruce asked skeptically.

"Yes", said Dick, "yes I did."

"You're so weird Dick", Tim said, giggling. Dick scowled at them all.

"My own family, turned against me and Phyllis. Well, we're leaving and we're taking the churros with us." With that, Dick picked up a box of churros and walked out the door with a huff.

0000000

Batman confronted Nightwing on a rooftop in Gotham that night. "Nightwing", he said, "you need to get rid of that mullet."

"No", Nightwing said angrily, "I will never cut it off, you can't make me."

"It's so ugly", Batman moaned.

Dick gave a high, insulted sound and said, "I love my mullet."

"I'll cut that mullet off myself if I have to", Batman said, leaping at him. He flew through the air and caught Nightwing around the middle. Then he pulled out the bat knife.

"No", Nightwing squealed, "stop it, leave my baby alone." He wiggled out of Batman's grasp and leapt high into the air, running as fast as he could in the opposite direction. Batman pursued. Over the rooftops the two vigilantes flew, silent as shadows.

Nightwing was heaving and practically out of breath, knowing he would be caught soon. Batman might have been older, but there was nothing wrong with his stamina and Nightwing was painfully aware that it was better then his own. Then, he got an idea. He knew where to go where someone would protect him. He raced off towards the Gotham Police Station.

Commissioner Gordon was drinking a cup of coffee, as black as he could. It was such a slow night that night, he was already falling asleep, despite the fact that it was relatively early in the evening. Bullock sat in a desk nearby, tapping his pencil in a gesture of concentration. He was reading some case files and Gordon knew big words tended to intimidate the Detective Sergeant, who was more of a man of action then one of the subtitles of words.

Detective Montoya sat next to him, casually scanning her own files. Gordon could tell her mind was elsewhere. He took another sip of his coffee just as the door burst open and slammed. Everyone looked curiously up from their desks to see Nightwing standing there panting and wild eyed, leaning against the door. "Hid me", he hissed, "he's coming to get me."

Gordon and the rest of the force looked at him curiously. Then, there was a heave on the door, as if someone was trying to get in. Nightwing tried as hard as he could to keep the door closed, but he was no match for whatever was pursuing him because one particularly hard shove sent him flying and the door bursting open. There, standing in the doorway was Batman, a large Bat knife in hand. Nightwing did his best to disappear. "Batman", Bullock said, getting up angrily, "What's the meaning of this?"

Batman said nothing. His eyes simply scanned the room. Then, the white slits on his cowl fixed on Gordon's legs, behind which a black train of hair lay suspiciously. "Phyllis has betrayed you Nightwing", Batman said, and jumped at Gordon's desk. Nightwing gave a howl and grabbed Gordon, pulling him forward to stand behind him and use him as a human shield. "Get out of the way Gordon", Batman said.

"What are you going to do to him", Gordon asked warily.

"What should have been done a long time ago", Batman said ominously.

"He's trying to murder my baby", Nightwing wailed.

"Your baby", Gordon questioned.

Nightwing nodded vigorously and said, "You'll protect me, won't you Commish? I'm still adorable little Robin, remember." He gave Gordon his best smile.

"That worked better when you were younger", Gordon said dryly.

"Nightwing", Batman hissed, "it's got to go."

"No", Nightwing wailed, "she's too young."

"That mullet is coming off tonight."

"Wait", said Bullock, "this is about his mullet." Both members of the bat family nodded solemnly.

"Good", Gordon said, "it was time you got rid of that rat anyway." Nightwing gave him an appalled look.

"Ohh I don't know Gordon", Montoya said, "I think it's kinda cute." Nightwing, sensing an ally, made a mad dash for the female detective and hid behind her. He was at least a head taller then her however, and much broader, so the effect was one of an elephant trying to hide behind an aspen.

"See", Nightwing said, "see, I'm not the only one who loves Phyllis."

"Phyllis?" Montoya asked.

"He named his mullet", Batman said darkly. "Get over here Nightwing, that thing is going to have to come off eventually. It might as well be now."

"No", Nightwing said.

"Get over here now young man!" Batman snarled.

"Never!" Nightwing screamed. Batman leapt at Montoya, who had the good sense to get out of the way as the dark knight barreled into the protector of Bludhaven, knocking down her desk. Nightwing, however, managed to fight him off with several paper clips and a bottle of glue before raced out the back door. "You'll never catch me", he screamed. Batman untangled himself from the wreckage of the desk and raced after Wing, flying through the night almost as if he were a bat in his own right.

The people in the Gotham PD sort of looked at each other for a moment before all sitting down. Things like this happened way to often to them. The next week Bruce was pacing around his study angrily.

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Tim was sitting on the ground, playing the game Bruce had bought him. It had proved harder then he had anticipated and he was still working on one of the "easier" levels. "I can't take it anymore Tim", Bruce said, "that damn mullet is driving me insane. We have to get him to take that thing off."

"How?" Tim asked, though not really caring as he was still engrossed in his game.

"I think I might have an idea", Bruce replied. "Get dressed, we're going out." Tim groaned.

'But I almost beat this level", he said. Bruce gave him a look and Tim gave a reluctant sigh. Then, he got up. "I'm going" he muttered foul naturedly. "Though I think the only one more obsessed with Dick's mullet then Dick is you."

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Batman stood in the sewer. Water dripped down onto his cowl and cape, but he didn't care. Robin, standing behind him however, seemed to care very much. He was scowling, which was uncharacteristic of him, as his face was normally fixed in a seemingly permanent thoughtful expression, like he was constantly contemplating the world and searching for answers to questions no one knew. "Batman", Robin whined, "I'm cold. I wanna go home."

"He said he'd be here", Batman replied, "and so we're going to wait for him." Robin was about to whine again when a sudden splash drew his attention. He looked up from where he had been trying to figure out what exactly was floating by his feet and saw the Penguin, waddling slowly through the sewer water with eight thugs at his heels.

"What wah, wah, wah, is the meaning of this, wah, wah, wah? This had better not be a wah, wah, trap wah."

"I have a job for you", Batman said, "and I'm willing to pay you handsomely for it."

"Ooo wah, wah, wah, that sounds interesting wah. What exactly is this wah, wah job, wah?"

"I need you to kidnap Nightwing and bring him to me."

"Wah, wah, what? Wah, wah why, wah?"

"That's none of your business", Batman snapped, "here's fifty thousand dollars. You get another fifty thousand when he finish the job." The penguin's eye sparkled as he took the loot and handed it to one of his thugs.

"I wah, wah, accept your, wah, wah, deal, wah." With that, he disappeared back into the sewers.

"I didn't remember how annoying that guy was", Robin whispered to Batman.

"Lets go", Batman said, "we have one more person to employ."

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Nightwing was enjoying the night air. Though it had been freezing the last few nights, and still was in fact, he was burning up from taking on some heavy thugs and the chill was welcome. He was just clearing another space between buildings, bounding like a stag, when a large dart embedded itself in his hip.

He looked down in shock and yanked it out. It was too late however, because the dart had already emptied it's contents into his blood stream. Nightwing glanced around in fear at the darkness around him, searching for his attacker, though he already knew who it was. The dart had been in the shape of a tiny umbrella. His only wonder was what the penguin was doing in Bludhaven.

However, his thoughts were interrupted when a large man showed up behind him, running towards him. Nightwing raced foreward, away from the man, but was soon staggering. His legs were getting heavier and heavier and swiftly he found he couldn't even stand. He stood in confusion for a moment before swaying in place and dropping with a low moan.

00000

When Nightwing woke up, he found there was something over his head. There was light shinning through some tiny holes and the roughness of it on his forehead indicated it was a burlap hood. The effects of the anesthetic he had been dosed with made him feel terrible, but he fought back the nausea and vertigo and tried to focus on what was going on.

The burlap hood was pulled roughly off and he blinked a few times as he pupils contracted, compensating for the extra light he was now being exposed to. Once his eyes had adjusted, he gazed around the room he was in. It was small and dimly lit.

He tried to get up, but found his arms and legs were bound to a chair. He struggled and pulled against it, writhing in place for a few moments before he had exhausted himself. All at once, the nausea came on again and he heaved to one side. "Its time Nightwing", a voice out of the darkest corner of the room said softly. Nightwing gasped.

"You sent the Penguin to kidnap me", he said suddenly, realization crashing over him like a waterfall.

"It was for your own good", rasped Batman, "and now, to begin." Out of another dark corner of the room, came the timid looking Ventriloquist with Scarface in his hand. The most frightening part of the picture however, was the scissors in Scarface's little wooden hand.

"What!" Nightwing yelped, straining furiously against his bonds, "You're letting a puppet cut my hair!"

"Now don't you worry Mr. Nightwing sir", the Ventriloquist said, "we'll have you done in just a few minutes."

"Let me at him dummy", Scarface yowled, "let me at him."

"No", Nightwing yelled, straining still harder. "Noooooooooooo!"

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Dick looked at himself angrily in the mirror, scowling ferociously. "You murdered my hair", he growled, "I can't believe it, you totally killed her."

"I didn't" Bruce said, not even looking up from the newspaper he was reading as he sat on the couch next to Tim, who was playing his game, "Scarface did."

"You were the one that let that Schizophrenic maniac touch my sweet baby."

"He's not schizophrenic Dick, he's got split personality disorder and if you had gone to Super Cuts or let Alfred or even me do it like I requested before, none of this would have had to occur.

"Yes!" Tim said, leaping up from the couch, "I beat it, hah, hah, I finally beat it!" He stood in the center of the room, beaming. Then, his eyes fell on Dick. "Dick" he said, "Your head looks like the Serengeti plains." Indeed, Dick's hair was quite short the top of his head with the occasional tuft of hair sticking up like a lone tree on a savannah. Near his neck, the hairs got longer and were then cut at different odd lengths. Dick scowled at Tim.

"Thank you Mr. Obvious." Tim shrugged.

"Just making a comment is all."

"Hey", said Dick suddenly, "since my hair came out so good, I think I should return the favor." He turned on Tim and Bruce with a wicked expression on his face and two large pairs of scissors in hand. "Who wants a hair cut", he said manically. Bruce and Tim took one look at each other and took off running across the manor, Dick hot on their heels screaming as loud as he could like a primordial savage. Alfred gave a sigh.

"Kill each other if you must, just don't break the vase by the cave entrance", he called after them, "I am rather fond of that one you know."


End file.
